When you shoot a gun, the pressure of the pulled trigger releases the bullet; I think that’s how it works at least. That's what Grandpa Joe from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory told me. When you think about it, people are sort of the same way; their trigger gets pulled and the pressure builds up until you better take cover because they're going off! If that doesn't make sense, then maybe people are actually nothing like guns. But we all have our triggers. Our bullets are sometimes good things, and other times bad things. Our triggers differ from person to person.
I have many triggers, some are deep inside of me, others at the surface. These triggers aren't something you physically pull, but when something happens that sparks a memory or feeling. Sometimes a good memory is triggered, like when I eat PB&J sandwiches I automatically want milk (the only time I ever drink milk because it's gross), and I think of my childhood. When I use to watch Barney and he always washed down sandwiches with milk, and singing about making PB&J's in kindergarten graduation, and writing my first "how to" paper on making them. Just one bite and all this happiness fills my body as I remember simpler times. Again when a certain song plays, like "Cooler Than Me," and I'm flushed with summers of the past having fun with my friends. The happy trigger is always a nice thing to experience.
But let's be real, the most sensitive (and will get more of a reaction ) type of trigger are the bad ones. When you are pushed into something that triggers a memory you never want to experience again. For example, last night I got sick after my dinner and didn't feel so well. I ended up throwing up, and having that moment of Deja-Vu of times when all meals made me sick, gave me a bad feeling. Like I was weak, and vulnerable, and useless. Those feelings triggered memories of even worse times when I took everything out on myself, leading to the reliving of years and years ago when yelling and screaming was all I heard. The entire night I was curled up in a ball trying to find my strength again, for I had gone a long, long, time without feeling like this. And it was weird, because I knew that feeling, I knew it so very well, but I still couldn't understand it. It is what inspired me to write this, with so many emotions being evoked, but I couldn't control myself to write then.And well, I'm sorry for having to include bits of the past to you... Anyways, triggers vary.
This is the unrelated point of the blog when I get off topic so I can gather my actual points. I just got very upset because my bag of Cheeto Puffs went stale. Oh yeah, everyday during my 4th period when I don't have a true class I go to the library with mi amigo McKenzie. We do work for other classes, talk about whatever there is to talk about, and most importantly, play Sudoku. I quite enjoy this time, she's pretty awesome. I am very much dreading November when we actually have a class that period and have to work. But later on in life, when I go to a library, it will trigger the memories of chilling with her...
My question is how do you handle these triggers, the bad ones. For me, when a negative memory or feeling is triggered, it feels like I'm falling to rock bottom. And it flat out sucks, especially when it's been so long since the badness has been triggered. It's like losing all the progress you've made as a person. To be stripped of confidence, robbed of any sense of accomplishment, and shot down from any high horse. When it happens, it's like starting back over as a 13 year-old girl, when everything hurt. But I know for a fact I'm not that girl anymore; I'm much more secure, much more strong, much prouder and closer to knowing who I am. Is there an actual way to stop the triggers. No matter how deep I bury them, something always hits them right on the spot. There's always room for me to become stronger as a person, and I guess that's what it will take to solve this. I want to keep whatever it is that triggers smiles and happy memories, but I could very much due without the negative ones. Not that I believe it's better to forget your past (I mean its where lessons were learned and what made you the person you are), but I'd like to remember the lessons learned without reliving the pain endured. I don't know what else to do here, so just let me know if you have any ideas....
We're all just a bunch of guns waiting to be fired.
No comments:
Post a Comment