Places I don't want to go..

When you shoot a gun, the pressure of the pulled trigger releases the bullet; I think that’s how it works at least. That's what Grandpa Joe from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory told me. When you think about it, people are sort of the same way; their trigger gets pulled and the pressure builds up until you better take cover because they're going off! If that doesn't make sense, then maybe people are actually nothing like guns. But we all have our triggers. Our bullets are sometimes good things, and other times bad things. Our triggers differ from person to person.

I have many triggers, some are deep inside of me, others at the surface. These triggers aren't something you physically pull, but when something happens that sparks a memory or feeling. Sometimes a good memory is triggered, like when I eat PB&J sandwiches I automatically want milk (the only time I ever drink milk because it's gross), and I think of my childhood. When I use to watch Barney and he always washed down sandwiches with milk, and singing about making PB&J's in kindergarten graduation, and writing my first "how to" paper on making them. Just one bite and all this happiness fills my body as I remember simpler times. Again when a certain song plays, like "Cooler Than Me," and I'm flushed with summers of the past having fun with my friends. The happy trigger is always a nice thing to experience. 

But let's be real, the most sensitive (and will get more of a reaction ) type of trigger are the bad ones. When you are pushed into something that triggers a memory you never want to experience again. For example, last night I got sick after my dinner and didn't feel so well. I ended up throwing up, and having that moment of Deja-Vu of times when all meals made me sick, gave me a bad feeling. Like I was weak, and vulnerable, and useless. Those feelings triggered memories of even worse times when I took everything out on myself, leading to the reliving of years and years ago when yelling and screaming was all I heard. The entire night I was curled up in a ball trying to find my strength again, for I had gone a long, long, time without feeling like this. And it was weird, because I knew that feeling, I knew it so very well, but I still couldn't understand it. It is what inspired me to write this, with so many emotions being evoked, but I couldn't control myself to write then.And well, I'm sorry for having to include bits of the past to you... Anyways, triggers vary.

This is the unrelated point of the blog when I get off topic so I can gather my actual points. I just got very upset because my bag of Cheeto Puffs went stale. Oh yeah, everyday during my 4th period when I don't have a true class I go to the library with mi amigo McKenzie. We do work for other classes, talk about whatever there is to talk about, and most importantly, play Sudoku. I quite enjoy this time, she's pretty awesome. I am very much dreading November when we actually have a class that period and have to work.  But later on in life, when I go to a library, it will trigger the memories of chilling with her...

My question is how do you handle these triggers, the bad ones. For me, when a negative memory or feeling is triggered, it feels like I'm falling to rock bottom. And it flat out sucks, especially when it's been so long since the badness has been triggered. It's like losing all the progress you've made as a person. To be stripped of confidence, robbed of any sense of accomplishment, and shot down from any high horse. When it happens, it's like starting back over as a 13 year-old girl, when everything hurt. But I know for a fact I'm not that girl anymore; I'm much more secure, much more strong, much prouder and closer to knowing who I am. Is there an actual way to stop the triggers. No matter how deep I bury them, something always hits them right on the spot. There's always room for me to become stronger as a person, and I guess that's what it will take to solve this. I want to keep whatever it is that triggers smiles and happy memories, but I could very much due without the negative ones. Not that I believe it's better to forget your past (I mean its where lessons were learned and what made you the person you are), but I'd like to remember the lessons learned without reliving the pain endured. I don't know what else to do here, so just let me know if you have any ideas.... 

We're all just a bunch of guns waiting to be fired. 

The Dream, The Drive

This sounds lame, but I've always had this dream. You see, I've heard from so many different people (whom are in their like, late twenties now) that they remember sitting in the theater back in 1994 seeing The Lion King. In 1994 I was barely being born, so I surely wasn't sitting in that theater. Even though I did grow up watching this movie  I've always envied those older kids who saw it in theaters. I'm not sure why, The Lion King isn't even my favorite Disney movie, but I've dreamed of being able to see this movie in the sticky-floored, fake leather seated theater, that is my own Tinseltown, forever. I mean FOREVER. So I'm sure you can imagine how ecstatic I was back in July when I learned The Lion King in 3D was coming to theaters for two weeks. If you can't imagine it, I believe there was squealing and jumping involved. I've waited all this time, and ,FINALLY, I saw it on Saturday afternoon.It was simply amazing.I laughed just as much as the children who surrounded me in the theater did; I got emotional and teary-eyed when Mufasa died; anytime a song came on I was dancing a singing my heart out. It was an incredible experience. I can't even explain how giddy and smiley I was before, during, after, and even now just thinking about it. It really was a dream come true.

So strikes my subject; dreams. I've written about dreams before, but on a more personal note and then for a poetry contest last year in English class. But I don't think I've expressed the importance of dreams. In this case, dreams are what you want most in life (goals and such), not the dreaming you do when you're asleep and really awkward things happen. There are no dancing muffins, zombie hunting, or unicorn discovering in this dreaming... Anyways, it's very important to have dreams/goals in life. Whether it's within your career, family, or anything else, you gotta dream. I feel very strongly about this. However, if you were to ask me what my "life-long-dreams" were, I would not be able to give you an answer. I've no idea... My first response would be that I dream of being in college; it's something I've looked forward to since about the 3rd grade. However, in a year when I AM in college, then what? My dream is fulfilled and I'm set for life? Surely not... Second I would answer "to be a successful journalist." Even before I knew exactly what journalism was about, I knew I wanted to be one. Now I've only reassured myself of this. But I feel as though that is not the right answer to the question either,despite how much I desire this... So next I would say, in all honesty, that I have this ridiculous thought inside of me that I want to be a secret agent (like James Bond), to be a superhero, and to space travel. None of these things are what I truly want, but they are all so appealing to me, like they seem so flipping cool, that it makes me think that I want this. So basically I'm not sure what to say if somebody asked me of my life-long-dream... Recently I've asked some people, mostly a few teachers, what their life-long-dream is (assuming nobody really wants to grow up and teach a bunch of punk kids, or that's just me). Pretty much none of them could answer, except one who actually did WANT to teach... Besides that, this got me wondering if this is really such a thing, a life-long-goal. I mean, people are indecisive and changing their minds a dozen times a day. How could they set a dream to fulfill and keep them content for a life time? I really don't know.

Life-long-dream or not, I still know that dreaming is important. Without a dream, even when it's the kind that sort of puts your head in the clouds and feet off the ground, one doesn't have the drive life needs. You know? Like if somebody didn't have the dream and drive, we wouldn't have cars or most technology or pretty much anything. Without having a dream, America would still be segregated. The world we live in today has been built upon the dreams we had yesterday. Dreaming, of course, isn't much unless you have the initiative and ability to execute it. But without the dream, there's nothing to push towards. If we can't dream of a better tomorrow, will we ever have one? And as I wrote this, although it didn't go in the direction I planned on it going (like most things I write), I changed my mind. Now that I can cross seeing The Lion King off my list, I have a dream. Or I've always had this dream, so I guess it could be considered life-long. At the moment I'm content, but in life I want to be happy. In whatever I do. I want to have that kind of career that I love doing, therefore it isn't work at all. I want to be able to be exactly who I am. I want to be around people who love me and most of all don't judge me. So my point, if you haven't caught the drift, is dream. Don't just dream, but dream big. Dream about a world you want to live in. Whether you dream of inventing something incredible, making a nice family of your own, or seeing one of the most played childhood movies on the big screen, you've got to dream. I want tomorrow to be a better day for the world, so I dream.

But more importantly, if you've read this much (thank you) and are bored out of your mind, I'm telling you to go see The Lion King in 3D. I don't care how old you are or anything. The 3D makes it amazing (and I'm not even into 3D movies). GO SEE IT, it's only out for 2 weeks!!!!

Kindness and Smiling

This past week I've been sick. And well, I've sorta felt like crap. So one day during my off periods I went home to sleep, but had to go back to school for my last period. After my nap I was feeling better, but still had that blah-ness about me. I was walking back into the school and going back to the cafeteria to wait out the few minutes before the bell rang for 7th period. I passed a group of faculty members, I don't know their job titles, but they seem to have the authority to boss students around. Out of this group a man stopped me. Now, this is my 3rd year at this school and I've passed this guy a million times without him acknowledging me at all; I don't even know his name, but I think he is the chess club sponsor or something of the sort. But anyways, he stopped me. I assumed he was going to tell me I have to walk on the right side of the hallway, or that I needed to take off the bandanna I was wearing around my neck.  He didn't.
"Excuse me, ma'am... ma'am." I stop and turn around to make eye contact with him.
"Ma'am are you okay?" I nodded my head.
"It's just 'cause you aren't smiling, and you're too beautiful of a young lady to not be smiling."
Whoa. What? My hair is a mess. I have no makeup on. I'm wear a t-shirt and, like I already said, a BANDANNA. In no way did I look beautiful, or even socially acceptable. But he stopped me for no reason other than to tell me this...

In the next day or so, I was at the gas station. It was the Walmart gas station, so the register was outside in a little window you walk up to and pay, and the line to the window is made out of shelves with snacks and refrigerators with drinks in them. So after I paid the cashier, I turned around to walk back to my friend's car, and two guys were in line were blocking the only way out of this barricaded line. They were talking about something, I wasn't really paying attention just trying to get by them. One of them had a unspiked mohawk with a nose ring, the kind a bull would have, the other had long hair and a beard. They weren't like most people you encounter at gas stations around here, the scary people you are afraid will shoot you, they were friendly and seemed like fun. Anyways, they stopped me to ask me a question, whether or not the mohawked-one could pass as seventeen. He was clearly older and I laughed and told him no. The other one started laughing with me, and it turned into a perfectly nice conversation between the three of us. I said something else to make the longhaired-one laugh and he threw his arm around me and hugged me, that one armed type of hug, but squeezing me nonetheless.

As for the man at my school, I told him I was sick and he told me to feel better and sent me on my way, and my gas stations buddies let me go as well. These people left me with a smile plastered across my face, and a feelings of disbelief and amazement in my heart. My question is WHY? Why would anybody ever stop a complete stranger to tell them they look beautiful. Or why would one ever hug another person they've never met. I didn't think people actually did that, despite other people's stories I've heard about kindness towards others. Personally. I always try to ask people how the are, and tell them to have a good day. But this is better than that. This is a true act of kindness. I was sort of baffled at such things. It was just surprising... But both events made me feel incredible, even when I was sick. It makes me want to pass along the deed and do something to make a total stranger happy. In fact, I'm challenging anybody who may be reading this to do the same. You never know what is going on in somebody's life, and they might just be having a crappy day. By a simple random-act-of-kindness, you could turn everything around for them. Just showing that you care, or having a simple conversation with somebody can make them happy. If you see some who isn't smiling, give them a reason to smile. You could make their day, or maybe their week.

Chocolate & Spirit

 So yesterday when I got home, I really, REALLY wanted chocolate #fatgirlproblems ....

(approximately 10:00 am today)

Right now it's 4th period, where I have nothing to do... My schedule says I have Online AP Environmental Science, but the course doesn't start until November... But that's not the point because about half of my school day is full of nothing. I only have two main classes and then a buttload of electives, and then fillers 6th (Lunch) Period and 8th. I don't drive, and have a 7th period, so it's a very awkward schedule.Even though I should be happy to have such a chill senior year, I'm bored out of my mind on a daily basis... At the moment I'm sitting in my friend's car "napping," except I'm not tired today, and it's rather hot. I'm listening to Joan Jett on 106.9, because I DO love rock and roll. And instead of writing an English paper on Utopia and Dystopia societies (the most overused topic in English class since I've read like 6 books on them since freshman year..) I'm blogging a blog with no aim or ideas..

So.. yeah. I had a chocolate void to fill. And, not mentioning how this happened since I DON'T drive but am alone with the keys to my friend's (whom I hope doesn't read this) car, I now have chocolate. Along with said mysterious-appearing chocolate, I feel incredibly sick. Too much sugar? Like when I was in elementary and we would have the Christmas and Valentine's day parties in our classroom, and anytime I would eat more than one of the cookies I'd get sick. Apparently I never out grew that..? I might have gone over board in the store; oh wait, what store? I didn't leave the parking lot or anything. But if I had gone to say, Walgreens, I might have spent about $8.15 on chocolate. That's 1 Nesquik chocolate milk, one of those little boxes of chocolate Special K cereal bars, and 3 bags of M&M's. Now, I did not and still do not plan to eat all of these things. But what I have eaten, makes me sick. 

(4th period is now over and people are moving to 6th)

The first problem is that I don't LIKE milk...at all, but still drank it. Number 2, I was just gonna buy ONE bag of M&M's, but the cashier told me it was buy 3 bags for $2.00... so I did... And lastly, the healthiness of a Special K bar is canceled out by it's chocolate flavoring.... I now feel like throwing up, so excuse me while I go inside an do so... BRB.

(Present time)

Hello again. To avoid you being disgusted, I did NOT vomit. But have felt sick all day. The rest of my day consisted of chilling in the Stu Co room, picking up Taco Bell for another friend, giving away the rest of the M&M's, French class, and walking home but being picked up by a girl who drove me the remainder of the way. And here I am. This blog is the most "Diary-like" post yet, and I apologize. I just like the sound of my own voice... not literally because none of this is being said out loud. I also would like to thank anyone who is actually reading this, I appreciate your existence. So...

Tonight I guess I'm going to go support my school at the football game. It's a home game, so it should be fun. I hope it's better than last week. Not that it wasn't fun, I always enjoy being with my friends, like I was. But, not trying to bash my school, we sucked! The team wasn't in it, the crowd wasn't in it. We're talking about THE North Shore Football team. You know, the one that had a 80-something winning streak. The one whose name was known to schools all around Texas. You may not know where we're located or the quality of our learning, but if you hear North Shore, you KNOW the football team. Or knew... I've know idea what happened. It's like as soon as players from my graduating class started playing on varsity, we started losing. And  being in North Shore for so long, I did not know how it felt to lose.... and it Sucks.

But I know we still have the power to kick-butt where ever we go... Maybe if the crowd were a bit more spirited, it'd help. Last week, when we played our arch-nemesis the Katy Tigers, their side of the stadium was loud and proud. North Shore Mustangs? Not so much..  Where's the school spirit? Nobody goes to a football game to sit and be quiet, you go to yell and scream! Now personally I know almost nothing about football, but I know how to be LOUD! I've gone to almost every game the last three years to cheer for my 'Stangs. And while I'd be one of the first to jump onto my feet and cheer them on, nobody else around me is standing. So as I glance around at this quiet cluster of people, I can't help but notice that they are a bit on the older side of the generations. And they sit with this angry look on your face and tell you to sit down either verbally or with their negative vibe. Dude!!! it's football, this is Texas, isn't it like law to be into it all the way. That's how I was taught.Where are your foam fingers, cowbells, and blow horns? If you haven't noticed the team really does get "fired-up" when they hear a roaring crowd. Those cheerleaders with their signs saying "noise" shouldn't even be necessary, to make noise should be a given. You see the mascot, the running flags, the players pumping their arms, you make noise dammit! You hear that band play, the swelling boom of the announcer, you're suppose to be so loud you drown them out! And it's not like Scarlet and White are horrid colors, they're pretty awesome actually, so where them proudly.

 I want to win, I want our boys to win! I can't  be their coach and make them play better, especially since they aren't actually a bad team, but I can be a fan and make them feel the love! I actually don't like football itself, but when there's a good crowd the adrenaline makes me feel great, so I know it makes the team feel even better. I don't know all the words to the school song, and I don't bring my pom-poms to the stands. But I cheer, loud and proud. What's the point of going to the game if I don't do that... I also tend to paint my face for them.

Good Luck Tonight.

Go Mustangs!

No' Sho' Fo' Sho'