When we got back home and were dropping people off, one of the guys said bye to the others, then told me not to disappear. I'm def over thinking this, but I was a little bit like "huh?" am I really the one who disappears from people. Am I going to be the one who leaves and never comes back? This is obviously a dumb question. I've been ready, planning even, to do that since I was in elementary school. I was counting down the days to graduation long before I even got into high school. But you have to understand that I never expected to make such amazing friends over the years. Still. I AM the one who always disappears. I can be super close to somebody at one point, inseparable bff's, and then like nothing retract myself from their lives. And that's just a part of me, I don't know how to help it, it's natural. I will put so much effort into something, someone, only to disappear in the end. While my friends sit and reminisce about the good times, I'm already wondering what type of new friends I'll make in the future. I'm sorry, I'm horrible. But... I don't know. I didn't think people noticed that that's what I do. And I know nobody really knows why, but most of the time when I disappear it's for my own good. In those times, I've lost myself and need to get back intone with who I am. I spend a lot of time alone and with myself. That's where I disappear to, my own mind... But anyways, It never really hit me that I'm already going to disappear from all of these people... (like I said, over thinking. He wasn't really pointing out all the things from the past. Just the future.)
Anyway.
You're thinking I'm a horrible person, an awful friend. But I just see it for what it is, I'd say I'm just being rational. I love my friends. I couldn't have asked for a better group to get me through the hells of high school. I couldn't dream of better memories. I think very highly of every single one of them. But I'm not sad about starting my new life, even if some of those friends aren't a part of it. I'm not bitter about it. We're all going to do great things. We're all going to meet great people and just have entirely great lives. Sure, I'll miss them from time to time. I'll wish they were with me when I hear a certain song or something. But I know that it's okay, it's life. Moving on is a part of the whole shebang. I doubt I will cry when it comes to final goodbyes. I doubt I'll give anything a second thought when I walk away. This is it. This is good. I wish them all the best and hope they find exactly what they are looking for in life. I can try not to disappear. I would like to visit from time to time, but I'm not going to fool myself or any of them by saying that things won't change and we'll all stay in touch. I've accepted that. I accepted that before I even met these people. It's okay...
Lastly, if you remember on New Years my friend and I made "2012 bucket/to-do lists" for each other (skinny dipping, check) and one of mine is to tell all my friends (well any 5 i want) how I feel/what I think about them before we go off. Since I'm moving with my family at the end of the week, this is the time to do so. I have no idea what to tell anyone. And this might be the hardest part for me because I'm either completely apathetic about things, or WAY extreme, over the top... I'll have to see what pans out... Well, guys. Idk what's next.
Here's a picture of a kangaroo I made from some mysterious connectable toy things at the river house. :)
